Swim.

weheartit.com

Oh, little blog. How I have neglected you. Partly out of lack of time. Mostly out of fear of repercussions should anyone come across this, decide my writing a blog is grounds to fire me and...fire me. Well, been there done that and I've decided if that's the worst that could happen, bring it.

Besides, what good is a writer who does write at least a little every day - even if it is only a lame blog post about nothing that two of her friends skim? I wrote two articles for my fall issue of the magazine - the medical one which I enjoyed much more than I should have - and I realized I need to make it a point to write more. So starting tomorrow, I'm going to seriously undertake the NaBloPoMo challenge and attempt to write in this blog every day.

Mostly because the July theme caught my attention: swim. Esp. after Jack's Mannequin's song by the same name hit me like a ton of bricks today...which is one of the many reasons I love music. Sometimes you need that one song to jolt you back awake and make you realize you're completely missing your life.


And there's been a LOT of thinking about life lately - am I living it right? I have been realizing I've spent so many years either closing myself off from people for various reasons or just thinking no one cares and shutting myself off. (Wah wah, emo kid. I know, I know...) But I've gotten to the point where I'm constantly over thinking everything that comes out of my mouth and how I act - even with my own family - that I'm not really me. I'm a very conservative version of me. I'm a shell of a person. I'm a very nice girl to be around, but...I fear I lack any real personality. And how can you really go through life living like that?

I might be blowing that assessment out of proportion a bit, but I don't think I'm over-exaggerating that much.

Today as I sat listening to Jack's and the 'music box' version of "Swim" came on, I realized that's exactly what I've been doing: swimming. I finally got my professional life put back together, and although some days are trying, I absolutely love the job itself. I have so many good friends who live so close to me that I'm no longer lonely and without someone to hang out with on any given evening. I've made awesome new friends since the start of the year who I enjoy so much. I may live at home, but to me this time is priceless. I might be clinging to how things used to be while trying to figure out when I'll leave - and this time for good - again, but I also know spending this time with my parents - just us - will be so, so valuable to me when I leave and they move to their retirement home in Wisconsin. I feel like a loser some days living at home, but then I think about all the evenings spent alone in Tulsa, missing my family, and it doesn't seem that bad. At least I have people in my life who love me, you know?

So I'm swimming instead of just struggling to keep my head above water like I was at this time a year ago, but I still want more. I have a really hard time feeling content with life because I'm so scared of becoming complacent. And while I enjoy my job, with some of the restrictions I have, I don't see how I can move on without moving to another city and starting over. I've felt trapped and unstable (things have been less than peachy on a personal professional level recently, and I fear being let go) and unsure where I would go from here - because there's certainly no going up.

Thankfully, one of my best friends from growing up and I came up with a plan this past weekend. So now I am working towards moving to Austin by the end of next summer. Finally. For the past ten years, I've been talking about moving to this city that is so accepting of everyone, so full of people who love life, overflowing with good music. It feels good to truly have something to work towards again - to know this isn't it - and hope that someday my work will be something I can either put all my passion into, or something that pays well enough (contemplating going corporate) that I have the luxury of writing for fun - without and work-mandated restrictions.

It feels good to see the shore and be swimming towards it, rather than drifting across an ocean aimlessly.

Swim
You've gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music
That saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim
And swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far
To fall off the earth
The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
A crack in the armor
I swim to brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Through nights that won't end
Swim for your families
Your lovers your sisters
And brothers and friends
Yeah you've gotta swim
Through wars without cause
Swim for the lost politicians
Who don't see their greed as a flaw

The currents will pull us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open now
I swim for brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
Well I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's no shame in drifting
Feel the tide shifting and wait for the spark
Yeah you've gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just find the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think
The currents will drag us away from our love
Just keep your head above
Just keep your head above
Swim
Just keep your head above
Swim, swim
Just keep your head above
Swim