2014 is the year of just saying it so here goes: I'm not doing so great inside lately. I feel like everyone and everything in my life is kind enough to acknowledge that I'm there but nowhere am I important. My entire life has been packed away in boxes for nearly five years since I moved home from Oklahoma, and I have no idea if I'm ever going to be able to unpack it because I live in a city where I'd be spending nearly all my income just to live. It makes me feel like my entire life is on hold, and I'm not a real person until I can unpack all those things again. I love my job - if you didn't know that, you must live under a rock - but working at a desk in the hall is wearing on me. We're working on this and after experiencing the exact opposite at the magazine, I'm SO grateful to work with and for people who listen to my frustrations and are supportive...but it feels like we're fighting an uphill battle to convince people further up the chain of command that, at the very least, I need a cubicle so I have walls and a space of my own where I can sit and better focus on the job I love doing. (How can they not understand that I don't even have a work space? Just a desk.) And it feels like everyone I know has, to quote Meredith Grey, "their person" - someone they can go to whose sole purpose is to listen to their stories or their venting and not judge (even if they think the person is being silly or stupid) but be supportive and hug them and assure them their life is on track and everything will be fine...and I have no idea who that is in my life. There's different people I talk to about different things, but there's no one person who is "my person". No one person who says, 'Hey, you're the most important person in my life, you can tell me everything and I'll listen.'
I don't say all this for pity or to make anyone feel bad like they're not living up to being a good friend or family member or anything. In fact, I can find reasons for and faults with every single one of these things and how I have, in some way, caused each of these to happen. Most days, it just is what it is, and I can let it go - I ultimately know it's all my fault because I caused it or let it happen, and only I can fix it. I'm working on it.
But sometimes you just feel bad and alone and like you're never going to be important. And instead of sitting on your bedroom floor, sobbing your heart out like you haven't in years or hanging on to all of it inside for another day, week, month, year because you think it's silly or stupid and not worth saying out loud...you just need to tell someone.
