Perspective

It hasn't been the easiest of weeks when it comes to thoughts racing through my head. I wish I could write everything down like I used to. Instead it all stays locked away...which is probably for the best. There are more grown-up aspects of writing your thoughts down for the Internet to read to consider these days.

But I will say this: it is amazing how much your life can change in just 10 years. (Or maybe not, depending on how you measure time...) In 2003, I was just barely in college, just barely discovering myself. It was one of my worst years when it came to anxiety and how I dealt with it. I let my happiness be determined by others. I could only hope that one day I could say I was a writer, much less have anything published for real instead of writing endless blog entries of fiction and life two people read.

Now? I've worked for publications and experienced television - something I never imagined I'd do. I fulfilled my dream of interviewing my favorite band. (Still one of my favorite pieces I've ever written.) After having it all, having nothing and having a little bit of something, I finally feel like I have it all when it comes to career. I'm back on track and excited to find where it all leads. I have a blog to call my own and a reason to chase after the one thing that's always made me happy: music.

I think back to those nights I felt so alone, back to the afternoons when panic attacks ruled my life. I think back to not letting friends in and feeling like I had no clue what I was trying to do with my life. It might some hyperbolic, but I'm just so glad I survived it all. Because life got so much better. SO much better.

And not everyone can see that.

After this week, I'm so grateful I did.

Happiness is a just a step away...

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The other day in the middle of Houston traffic hell, I realized something: I'm happy.

Not like running wild, screaming happy. Just that nice, quiet, content kind of happy. As of today, I've been back with the organization I work for, for one year. At the start of this year, I was made full-time there. (And in just one more week, I'll have health insurance again - amazing the things you get excited about as an adult.) Though sometimes (okay, most times) I feel very young compared to everyone in my department and worry I come off that way 99% of the time, I love where I am. I love what I do. I love why I do it. Work makes me happy. I haven't been able to say that since 2008.

At the end of last year, I quietly started my music blog again - testing the waters, seeing what types of posts I liked. It's been hard for me to break the idea that not everything has to be a long, drawn out entry. Sometimes a few sentences suffice - sometimes even just a photo. In just two months this year (and February isn't even over!) I've managed to rack up half the posts I wrote last year, total. I redesigned the entire thing and looking at that blog makes me excited. I feel like I finally found its look and, more importantly, its purpose.

Those two things occupy most of time, which is fine by me. Sometimes I wonder if I should worry more, at nearly 29, about the severe lack of men in my life. I worry it I keep thinking "I'm not there yet, I'm not ready to worry about that..." that I'll become a broken record and it will never happen. Then again, I don't want to meet some schmuck in a bar just for the sake of it. It's a catch 22. But only having me to answer to makes life pretty simple. I'm okay with that part.

So for now I'll continue to fill in the gaps with concerts and books and binge-viewing TV shows and planning road trips to see my favorite bands and figuring out how the hell I'm going to use up 17.5 vacation days I have left. I'll throw in some more adult things like buying a car for the first time (by my birthday? maybe?) and hopefully moving into an apartment before the end of the year just to keep things interesting.

But for now? It's nice to be happy.